My mother used to say, “I’ve never known anyone who loves to argue as much as the Beilers” (my maiden name). She was right! For example, my grandfather, John Beiler, was never wrong, and I learned it was useless to argue with him. In the next generation, I can still see the look on my father’s face when he strongly disagreed with something my mother said. I can still hear the tone of his voice when he adamantly said, “NO!” She rarely bothered to argue with him either.
Although in some settings with some people, I tend to keep my opinions to myself, in other settings with other people, my default setting is to argue. I can hardly bear to stop until the other person admits they’re wrong.
Recently we read a devotional about a college professor who didn’t argue with a student who had made some pretty strong comments in class about the professor and his philosophies. The professor just thanked the student for sharing his opinion and went on with the class. Afterward, when asked why he had not rebutted, he said, “I’m practicing my new discipline of not needing to have the last word.” Wow! What a novel idea! Would it be possible for a Beiler to practice that discipline?
Not long after that, another devotional spoke to me. The author, Pamela Dorrel, says, “It has always been easy for me to get into debates with friends and family, and I find myself arguing more than I should. If I make others angry, I regret it, and I’m always willing to apologize and move on. I just can’t pass up a rousing exchange of ideas about current events.”
Then one day in the middle of a debate with her father that had turned into an argument, Pamela suddenly forgot what she was going to say! The only thing she could remember was this verse: “I treasure your word in my heart, so that I may not sin against you” (Psalm 119:11). Pamela says, “In an instant, my perspective changed. I realized I was so caught up in the conversation that I was about to say something hurtful to my father just to ‘win’ the argument. I held my tongue that day, and we called a truce.” I wondered how often I had said something hurtful just to win the argument. In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to do
Years ago after a discussion on the tongue, I remember praying aloud at a prayer group that God would put a guard on our mouths (Psalm 39:1-2). One of the women who loved arguing and being right perhaps more than I did laughed out loud. She apologized but said she’d been picturing the size guard it would take to keep her mouth shut!
Eccles. 3:7 says there is a time to speak and a time to be silent. During a family vacation when our kids were teenagers, Donn had finally had enough of me arguing with our son in the car. My normally mild-mannered husband said, “Don’t argue with him. He knows!” That was a hard pill for me to swallow because it strongly interfered with me having the last word, but Donn was right. Whatever might be coming out of our son’s mouth, he had heard the truth enough times that we didn’t need to argue with him. It was time to be silent.
Years later our son was sharing a situation where it was so hard for him to stop arguing, even though he knew it would do no good. I laughed and read to him the scripture I’d adapted and prayed for him that morning, even though I wasn’t aware of this particular struggle. “May he not have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because they produce quarrels, and may he recognize that the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.” (from II Timothy 2)
Since reading the two devotionals I mentioned, I’m asking the Holy Spirit to prompt me when it’s time to practice my new discipline. I’m finding that when I’m tuned in to the Holy Spirit and surrendered to Him, even a Beiler can choose not to have the last word.
Forgive us, Father, when self and pride lure us into arguments.
Thank you that by your grace, we’re never too old to change. Amen
