Last week I ended my blog with a prayer asking forgiveness for our self-reliance, self-sufficiency, and independence. Those words stirred up memories of the events God orchestrated 16 years ago to expose the deep roots of those issues in my life. It all began innocently enough with   a conference I wanted to attend in North Carolina. I decided to travel by bus to keep my travel costs low since driving that far alone wasn’t an option─a fibromyalgia issue. I made sure the motel recommended was within walking distance of the church where the conference would be held. No one I knew planned to attend so I would travel alone. No problem. I could do this.

The bus trip was a bit more complicated than I’d anticipated. The bus fumes made me nauseous and what I thought were scheduled stops to pick up more passengers were actually transfers to different buses. Each time we stopped, I had to collect my luggage, carry it into the bus station as well as into the bathroom if I needed to go, then lug it back to the new bus. But, I could do this!

At last we reached my final destination. I took a taxi to my motel from the bus station and got settled. Now to get directions to the conference location. When I explained where I was going, the desk clerk told me there was no way I could walk. There were no sidewalks and it was a busy highway. So I took a taxi to the first session of the conference and was alarmed at the cost. Then I discovered because of the long breaks between sessions, I would need to go back to my motel between sessions or be stuck at the church all day every day with no place to rest. Dollar signs were flashing before my eyes.

Someone suggested I have the conference moderator ask at the end of the session if anyone else was staying at my motel with whom I could travel. I was unprepared for how difficult it was for me to make that simple request and considered renting a car instead. I felt like such a loser for being in this dilemma. At last I approached the moderator, and at the end of the session, she explained my situation to the attendees. My feeling of being a loser increased. As the session ended, all the insecurities and fear of rejection I’d experienced during my Mennonite childhood flooded back. I sat alone, on the verge of tears, unable to believe my inner turmoil. What if no one wanted to help me? What if no one offered? In my eyes, it would be public rejection.

I could barely speak when a tall, lovely woman approached and asked if I was the one who needed a ride. She said she was alone at the conference and would be happy to provide transportation. She was driving a luxury car, and again I felt like such a loser. This woman had it all together.  However, soon I was telling my rescuer why I was hardly able to talk when we met. I told her about my reaction to finding myself needing a ride and how hard it had been to be the one needing help.

My new friend was quiet. I didn’t know what she was thinking. We were constant companions during the conference, going out to eat and sitting together at sessions. She told me surface things but nothing personal. As the Holy Spirit began to show me the deep roots of my self-reliance, self-sufficiency and independence and His desire to free me, I shared with her what He was showing me.  One day at lunch, she finally broke her silence and began to share at a deep level. She and her husband had just separated and she had come to the conference, wanting to hear from God. The car she was driving was a rental because her car wasn’t safe to travel that far. The car rental company had upgraded her to the luxury car, no extra charge, because they didn’t have any economy cars left.

I believe I was the first person she’d told about the separation because trust didn’t come easily to her. She said if I hadn’t needed a ride, she would probably have stayed aloof from others throughout the entire conference, but when the moderator had shared my situation, the Holy Spirit had prompted her that He’d provided this car for her to share. Now I was in tears again. I had been so upset about needing to ask for help, but God in His goodness had already provided a luxury car for transporting me to and from the motel.

As Sarah* shared more details about her life, I listened, counseled and comforted. We became good friends and stayed in touch for many years. She and her husband reconciled and the last I knew, they were still together. The Holy Spirit had a blessing and a task for me at the conference that I’d have missed if I’d pursued my self-reliant, self-sufficient, independent way.

After I got home, my lessons in learning to accept help continued. One day in a Walmart aisle, I looked up at the shampoo, well out of reach for my height, then glanced at the people around me. I spotted a tall teenager nearby, but couldn’t bring myself to ask. Having noticed my predicament, he smiled and said, “Do you need help?” Although I’d been unable to make the request, I was able to answer a firm “yes!” When I finished getting my groceries and drove home, I carried in one load of groceries leaving the car door and our screen door open. The phone rang. Caller ID told me it was a call I needed to take. A few minutes later, my dear friend, Jan, breezed into the house, a bag of groceries in each arm. “No, no,” I told her, “you don’t need to do that!” With a smile, on her way out for more groceries, she answered, “But I want to do it!” I wondered how often I’d denied people the pleasure of doing things for me because of my “SSI” (self-reliance, self-sufficiency, and Independence) tendencies.

I’ve since realized that SSI tendencies are highly valued in the United States of America, but not so in God’s Kingdom. First and foremost, He wants us to depend on Him, His strength, His grace, not on ourselves. Secondly, He has called us to be interdependent, not codependent, with others in the Body of Christ. When we portray ourselves as not needing anyone or anything, we rob others of the joy of being involved in our lives. The first step to overcoming these tendencies is recognizing that we have them. The Holy Spirit will help you if you ask.

Holy Spirit, reveal any tendencies we have to self-reliance, self-sufficiency, and independence. Help us rely on you,  depend on you, and make you our sufficiency, Jesus, as well as being interdependent with the Body of Christ. Amen.

*Name has been changed.

Flashback Friday: A few weeks ago, our pastor had a great personal anecdote on his struggle with this issue that reminded me of this blog. I hope you find it helpful!