Many of you know that last Thursday, July 7, was the first anniversary of the passing of our son, Robb. Some of you who follow me on Facebook know how we observed the day, but for those of you who don’t, I want to tell you–and share more details for those who do.

I knew I couldn’t do a “business as usual” day, so I cleared my calendar to fill it with things that would be meaningful. In the morning, I went to Lake Wilhelm with my daily prayer journal that covered from 6-30-19 to 7-22-21, as well as my diary that covered 6-21-21 to 6-26-22 and another journal that I take along on special prayer days. I spent my time re-reading relevant entries during Robb’s illness and passing.

One of the issues I wrestled with after Robb died was the thought that if only I’d prayed the right prayers or said the right words, Robb’s life might have ended better. As I read the entries I’d written in my prayer journal during the days of his illness and death, I was amazed at the relevant things the Holy Spirit had spoken to me which I’d recorded, along with the prayers I prayed for our son. At a new level, I am able to rest in the knowledge that, by God’s grace, Robb’s life was permeated by my prayers as long as he lived.

I know that many others prayed for Robb as well, but for some reason, it was important to know I had prayed significant prayers for our son during his illness. Those of you who have spent a lifetime praying for your prodigal children may understand this need.

Around noon, I left Lake Wilhelm, and after lunch, Donn and I sat on our porch swing and went through all the cards we’d gotten during and after Robb’s illness. Once again we were overwhelmed by all the expressions of love and concern from the many who prayed for us and loved us in tangible ways during one of the most difficult seasons of our lives. We are so blessed!

We picked up our five-year-old granddaughter, Sarah, around 4:00 p.m. and brought her back to Greenville. On the way, I asked her if she wanted to do something in memory of her “DaDa” that day. I suggested she could write him a letter, draw him a picture, or get some hot air balloons to release in his memory.  Her eyes lit up at the mention of the hot air balloons (an idea I borrowed from our former pastor, Nathan Seckinger), and after a little more discussion, she chose that option.  She picked balloons that said, “You’re #1” and “You’re So Special.”

I wanted to do the release of balloons at some significant place, and we finally settled on the parking lot at Bethel Life where Robb attended church for many years and where his Celebration of Life service was held. I video-taped with narrative and Sarah told her DaDa, “I’ll see you in heaven when I die and I love you.”  It was a precious time.

Later, in the hot tub (turned down to be safe for Sarah), I cradled her in my arms and sang Hush, Little Baby, Don’t Say a Word and Sleep My Child and Peace Attend Thee, then realized she was softly singing a song to her Dada… something about God creating us and taking care of her Dada in heaven. Then, “I won’t see you for a long time because I won’t die for a long time, but I will never forget you.”

I finished the day with a sense that we had somehow survived the first year after Robb’s death, but this morning I commented to the Lord in my journal that I don’t sing much any more. I still play the piano sometimes but rarely sing as I used to. I started to write, “Please restore the song in my heart, Lord,” but then sensed God was saying He wanted to give me a new song. When I turned to Psalm 40, the Scripture with one of my devotionals, Verse three said, “He put a new song in my mouth…” seeming to confirm what I’d written.

Then I noticed yesterday’s World Challenge Daily Devotional which was titled, “A Song of Grief and Praise” by Gary Wilkerson. He says, “The songs some of us are singing right now are more lament than anything else. If you need to sing a song of grief and sorrow right now, sing! Know that God hears you and scripture promises, ‘Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction…’ (II Corinthians 1:3-4)

The last paragraph spoke to me most: “I know that in the Lord’s timing and in His presence, I will walk through His healing process. Then I will be able to take my grief and sing it in a new way. Because we’ve all been hurt and lost loved ones, that gracious promise should give us great hope.”

Father, thank you that you are the God of all Comfort who promises to comfort us in all our afflictions. Because of you, I dare to say with the author of The Song of Grief and Praise that in Your timing and Your presence, I will walk through Your healing process and I will sing the new song you’re giving to me. Because of you, I can say it is well with my soul. Amen.