A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with Donn’s former boss. We were sharing about the health issues each of us had been going through. He said, “I guess that’s the price we pay for longevity!”

I laughed and said, “Well, I want to do my best to overcome the challenges and live, especially for the sake of our grandchildren.”

He chuckled and said, “So as a favor to our grandchildren, we go on living?”

I couldn’t help laughing again at his comical way of putting our desire to live! Off and on since then, I’ve pondered that thought. It reminds me of what the Apostle Paul said in the first chapter of Philippians:  ²¹For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. ²² If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! ²³ I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ²⁴ but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 

As a Christian, I’m not afraid to die because truly, for me to die is to gain the place that God has prepared for me. But three of our grandchildren have just lost their dad, our daughter, Angelyn, has just lost her twin brother, and Donn, his son. Angi’s brother-in-law is also fighting the same battle that claimed our son’s life, and unless God intervenes, her family will soon be dealing with another loss.

For all of those reasons, I would spare my family having to deal with another death if I can. It seems to me that it is more necessary for [them] that I remain in the body. However, as one of our granddaughter’s Bible teachers titled his message at her high school graduation, Theology 101, I’m not God.

The Apostle Paul believed it was more necessary for his disciples that he remain in the body just as I believe it’s more necessary for my family that I remain in the body, but neither Paul nor I could forecast the number of days we would live.

The last half of the Mercy Me concert Donn and I attended last week outlined so well the balance I believe God wants us to have when we consider matters of life and death. They began with It is Well With My Soul and went right into Even If which states

I know you’re able and I know you can save through the fire with your mighty hand, but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone. I know the sorrow and all of the hurt would go away if you’d just say the word, but even if you don’t, my hope is you alone.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

Even If was my theme song all through Robb’s illness and now again with my own. At the concert, a young man who sat near us, got up near the beginning of this song and stood with uplifted hands throughout the entire song, and I wondered what he was going through. It seemed like a time of deep surrender for him.

Even If was followed by Say I Won’t, a song written for their friend and former bus driver, Gary Miracle, who lost both arms and legs after falling into septic shock from complications of the flu. Gary Miracle is truly a miracle and the song was sung to a music video of Gary walking and then running as he finishes a two-mile race competition with his prosthetics, showing the tremendous courage that he demonstrated. Truly, sometimes living requires a great deal more courage than dying. I nearly sobbed out loud as I watched.

Next was Almost Home which outlines how difficult the journey can become, when it seems like we don’t have the strength to carry on. It probably describes how I felt three weeks ago after hearing about the new medicine the doctor wanted me to take when I’d thought the worst was over. Almost Home gives the encouragement we need at such a time… But don’t forget what lies ahead! We’re almost home!

ALMOST HOME

Are you disappointed? Are you desperate for help?
You know what it’s like to be tired and only a shell of yourself
Well, you start to believe you don’t have what it takes
‘Cause it’s all you can do just to move, much less finish the race

But don’t forget what lies ahead

[Chorus]
Almost home, brother, it won’t be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength, sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on, we are almost home

Well, this road will be hard, but we win in the end
Simply because of Jesus in us, it’s not if, but when
So take joy in the journey, even when it feels long
Oh, find strength in each step knowing Heaven is cheering you on

[Chorus]
We are almost home, brother, it won’t be long
Soon all your burdens will be gone
With all your strength, sister, run wild, run free
Hold up your head, keep pressing on, we are almost home

And then, the song Mercy Me is perhaps most famous for, I Can Only Imagine, which paints a picture of what heaven will be like.

 So in all of this, I sensed the Holy Spirit saying we need to remain surrendered in these matters of life and death, remembering Theology 101, I’m Not God. We know God is able to heal, but our minds are made up that we will continue to love and serve Him Even If He doesn’t, and we will testify to the world that regardless of what comes, It is Well with My Soul.

Even if the battle is fierce, I will continue to fight as long as He gives me courage and strength even if naysayers Say I Won’t. And when I am exhausted and feel like I can’t finish the race, I will remember that I’m Almost Home and when the journey is over, I Can Only Imagine how wonderful it will be to see the face of Jesus and live in the place that He’s preparing for me.

Father, help us to say with the Apostle Paul,  For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain. Help us to continually make of our bodies a living sacrifice, to bring glory to you whether through our life or through our death. Amen.

Health Update

Tuesday was my 4^th Targeted Treatment, and I also had an appointment with one of the PAs. I told her that I’ve noticed an increase in joint pain since starting the new medicine a week ago and that it takes me a little longer to fall asleep, but nothing unbearable at this point. She said we will continue to monitor that. They are very pleased at how quickly all my lab work has returned to normal. I’m to talk to Dr. L at my treatment in three weeks about her releasing me for surgery.

The surgeon’s office hasn’t told me yet when my reconstructive surgery will be, but I’ll see him on December 10 and my PCP on December 26 for her to decide if she will release me for surgery. My PCP’s nurse has been wonderful at helping me navigate all these appointments.

We already celebrated Thanksgiving with our growing family the 2^nd weekend of November—17 of us! We have so much to be thankful for and I shed tears of joy that my health permitted me to cook the meal and get the tables ready with Donn’s help. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families!