The day after Christmas I suddenly had a mental image of our son, Robb, coming into the room where I sat. With it came the realization like a tidal wave that I would never see him come into a room again. A deep sorrow welled up in me.

“Oh God, wasn’t there another way?”

When pondering why God hadn’t healed Robb, Donn and I had agreed that if God had healed him, it was likely that he would have gone right back to his workaholic ways. His lifestyle had earned him so much affirmation in the furniture liquidation business that it had become an addiction. We told ourselves that physical healing wouldn’t have changed anything.

But today I cried out to God, “Couldn’t you have changed his heart and broken that addiction?”

Then I remembered the last conversation I had with Robb about the damage done to his family and to his body by his workaholic ways. Even after he knew he was dying unless God intervened, his response was, “I guess we’re just going to have to agree to disagree about that, Mom.”

How could he possibly disagree with me about this in light of his present condition?

Months earlier, when I saw the alarming changes in Robb brought about by his workaholic lifestyle, I had begun to pray that God would get his attention. God answered my prayer in an undeniable way by events that took place in the life of someone he loved.

When even this didn’t result in any positive changes, I began to pray that God would get his attention whatever it takes, God, whatever it takes.  

Again, God answered my prayer. But even when Robb was diagnosed with cancer, no positive changes had come in his attitude toward the way he had lived.

As I struggled to understand this the day after Christmas, I remembered a conversation I had years ago with a classmate who had decided that hell didn’t exist. To back up his theory, he said, “Daisy, could you ever hate your children?”

I replied, “People don’t go to hell because God hates them. They go to hell because they have chosen not to believe in Jesus. God never, ever stops loving us, but He never, ever takes away our freedom to choose.”

The memory of my words to my former classmate, He never, ever takes away our freedom to choose, brought with them tremendous sadness as I thought about the results of our son’s use of this freedom but also a measure of peace. My belief in a God who will not remove our freedom to choose, part of our DNA, enabled me once again to accept the outcome of Robb’s illness.

Father, thank you for giving us the freedom to choose rather than creating us as robots, programmed only to do what you want. Help us not to blame you for the choices we and others make when the results make us sad. Amen.

Health Update

My appointment with one of the PAs at Hillman Cancer Center and my Targeted Treatment went well on Tuesday. My lab work was all good. Thank you for praying! I do have a few symptoms that I believe are a result of one of the newest medicine I’m taking–fingernails splitting and chipping and more stiffness and sometimes severe pain in my left hip joint. My oncologist has scheduled a test in March that will reveal whether or not the issues with my nails indicate osteoporosis—my last Dexoscan indicated osteopenia. Please pray with us that these issues do not become too severe for me to continue this drug.

This month is going to be a very busy month medically. I told my husband I will be his fulltime project! I have three surgeries (two of which require a follow up appointment the next day and one for which I will have an appointment with the surgeon prior to the surgery and perhaps a follow up as well. I will also have another Targeted Treatment in January which will include an appointment with my oncologist and lab work—taking a total of about four hours when including driving time. Please pray for us and for our medical doctors and nurses.

January 11 cataract surgery

January 12 follow-up appointment

January 12 pre op appointment with surgeon

January 16 reconstructive surgery

January 23 targeted treatment, oncologist appointment, lab work

January 25 cataract surgery

January 26 follow-up appointment