Some years ago, someone was coming to our house whom I loved dearly but whose actions were breaking my heart. What would I say? What would I do? Should I give her the gifts I’d bought for her and her children? Would I be ruled by love or by my emotions?
When the encounter came, I looked at her with loving eyes. “I hate what you’re doing. I hate the example you’re setting for your children, but I LOVE you.” She wept as I hugged her and gave her the gifts we’d purchased. Letting love be my highest goal (I Corinthians 14:1) and speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) made it possible for me to remain in relationship with this person whose behavior I abhorred.
As our Country and even people within the body of Christ become more and more polarized, speaking the truth in love and allowing love to be our highest goal (I Corinthians 14:1) seem to have become a lost art. Never have I been aware of more things on which people disagree. The question becomes, how can we remain in relationship with family and friends under these conditions―even with those who share our faith in Christ?
The following are some tips I’ve gleaned from devotionals I’ve read recently as the Holy Spirit prepared my heart to write on this subject.
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Look for the similarities between you and those around you, rather than looking for the ways you disagree. When you find yourself among people with whom you don’t agree, make looking for similarities your focus. Romans 14:19 says, “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace.” Christ loves and gave His life for those who vote differently than you do. He can enable you to love them too.
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Agree to disagree. This week The Daily Bread featured a wonderful devotional by Mart DeHaan on this subject. He says the apostle Paul suggested ways of finding common ground even under the most polarized conditions in social, political, and religious conflict (Romans 14:5-6). “…the way to agree to disagree is to recall that each of us will answer to the Lord not only for our opinions but also for how we treat one another in our differences.” Mr. DeHaan cautions us to remember, “…there are some things more important than our own ideas—even more than our interpretations of the Bible. All of us will answer for whether we have loved one another, and even our enemies, as Christ loved us.”
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Acknowledge that even though you may not respect someone else’s opinion, you can respect their right to have that opinion. Mr. DeHaan says, “I remember my dad used to talk about how good it is not just to agree to disagree but to do so with mutual love and respect.” A couple I know decided that, in order to preserve the relationship, they would never talk about a specific subject again, respecting each other’s right to hold different opinions. There is value in that.
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Avoid controversial subjects in social settings. Is it really necessary to bring up hot topics in a family setting where you know people disagree? Why not look for subjects that won’t lead to arguments. If someone else brings up a hot topic, try to steer the conversation in another direction or diffuse the situation with humor.
Marty DeHaan asks the question, “Is it really possible to set aside irreconcilable differences when so much seems to be at stake?” I believe it is. When I’m tempted to distance myself from people whose opinions I dislike, I make this affirmation—silently: “I hate the beliefs you’re embracing, the political views you espouse, but I LOVE you.” I don’t have to love a person’s beliefs to love the person.
When making love our highest goal, we can avoid subjects we know will cause dissension and pray fervently for people’s eyes to be opened if we think they’re being deceived. I’m not suggesting we pretend to agree with wrong interpretations of the Bible or continue going to a church that embraces wrong interpretations. But we don’t need to bring up controversial subjects in social settings unless the Holy Spirit prompts us, and we can always choose to speak the truth in love.
*Father, please enable us to be patient and kind with those who don’t agree with us about anything or everything. Amen
