At the end of May, 2002, I went away for a personal prayer retreat–a practice I’ve continued ever since. Today I want to share some nuggets from the prayer journal I was using during my prayer retreat just a few months before we left for our first year as missionaries to Japan. (Most of my journaling is written as a prayer.)

June 17, 2003, Presque Isle

Another glorious day in Erie! Thank you, Father, for giving me such beautiful weather. It’s not as sunny today, but I had quite a bit of sun yesterday.

Thank you for impressing on me how like sailboats we need to be as I watched the sailboats in the waters of Lake Erie yesterday. They only move when the wind blows, and if there is no breeze, they can be “becalmed.” In the same way, you want us only to move when the winds of your Spirit move us, but too often, we get out the “oars” of our own strength and try to go faster than you wanted us to go or in a direction you hadn’t chosen for us. Or sometimes, when the breeze of your Spirit is blowing us, we “drop anchor” and stubbornly refuse to budge because it’s not the direction we want to go, or because we feel “out of control” with what’s happening. We think we’d better do something to regain control.

Help me, Father to be like those sailboats–help me to “set my sails” to catch the winds of your Spirit and allow you to take me in the direction you’ve planned for me, even when it seems wrong to me. Help me to “trust you with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.” (Proverbs 3:5)

I Corinthians 1:2b-3 So then…, Let him who boasts and proudly rejoices and glories, boast and proudly rejoice and glory in the Lord. II Corinthians 4:7 We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us

Father, the scriptures I’ve been reading this morning are about you not choosing many who are wise, according to human estimates and standards, or influential or powerful or of high and noble birth. NO, you have deliberately chosen what is foolish to the world and what the world calls weak, You have deliberately chosen what the world looks on as lowborn and insignificant, and what the world has branded and treated with contempt…so that no mortal man should have the pretense for glorying and boasting in the presence of God.

Help me never to be deceived, Lord Jesus, into thinking you’ve chosen me because of how smart I am, how wise I am, how kind I am, or for any other admirable traits. Help me to remember what your Word says about who you choose. You chose me in spite of the fact that I was an insecure, emotionally unstable, fearful, under-educated housewife. You are so merciful, and I am amazed that you have chosen me except for the facts that I’ve just read about who you choose. Help me, Father, to always “remain small in my own eyes,” (I Samuel 15:17) so that I won’t begin to think more highly of myself than I ought to think.

Anything good that I’ve accomplished, Father, has been because of and through your grace as you’ve so patiently taught me, corrected me, chastened me, and healed me. You love is amazing and much greater than I will ever be able to deserve or understand. Help me to find a clay pot to keep on my desk to remind me of what I am–just a clay pot containing an awesome treasure, doing as little as possible to detract from the treasure within.

Health Update

After my first Targeted Treatment (Herceptin) on September 19, I
didn’t think I’d had any side effects at all, but since the second Treatment,
I’ve had a few issues. The first two—eyes irritated and itching skin on my
arms and legs—have gotten better the more time that has elapsed since the
second Treatment. The third issue–my sleep being affected–remains the same.
The fourth–more aches and pains than usual which only began today–may just be
associated with fibromyalgia and due to a change in the weather.

During chemo, I always woke up very early (around 3:00 a.m.) the
morning after chemo which I blamed on the steroids I’d been given. Now I’m
wondering if it was also due to the Herceptin. During chemo, I received only a
single dose of Herceptin every week. Now, I receive a triple dose once every
three weeks. Most days now I wake up before 5:00 a.m.—sometimes I doze a
little before getting up around 7:00 a.m. One morning I slept until 8:00 a.m.
and thought the early waking was over. However, the next day, I woke up even
earlier (around 3:00 a.m.), so I know that sleeping later on a given day isn’t a solution for getting more sleep.

I will see my oncologist again before my next Treatment on October
31, 2023, so please pray for her for wisdom. I can use eye drops for the
itching eyes and lotion for the itchy skin, But the sleep issues are more
difficult. Someone asked if I couldn’t just go to bed earlier to deal with the
early waking, but for me, going to bed earlier doesn’t equate with going to
sleep earlier. And even if it did, I’m concerned that I would just wake up
earlier still. Thank you so much for your prayers!