Our first term in Japan—8/2003 to 8/2004—was the honeymoon phase of our mission in Japan!  8/2008 to 8/2011 was much more difficult. During the four years between our two terms, some of the missionaries who had been there during our one-year term went home and others came. We knew that before we arrived but still were unprepared for the challenges. As before, most of my journaling is in the form of a prayer.

October 03, 2008

Shinjuku Gyoen (park)

Tokyo, Japan

Thank you, Father, for helping us find this beautiful place yesterday right after my friend, Sandra, told me I needed to find a “Lake Erie” (my personal retreat place in the States) to run away to spend time with you. When I read Sandra’s email, I thought dismally, “Where will I find a ‘Lake Erie?’ around here?”

But as soon as we walked into the Japanese Garden part of this huge park, I knew I’d found it. There are nature trails everywhere and beautiful ponds and all sorts of trees and forms of nature. It is also well-marked with signs to my gate so that I don’t have to worry about getting lost, and it’s very easy to find from the Seibu-Shinjuku train station.

When I was trying to figure out when I could come, I just decided to drop everything and come now while the sun is shining and temperatures are pleasant. So here I am in this place saturated with your peace.

I know that none of the things that have happened since we came to Japan this time have taken you by surprise, even though they certainly have taken us by surprise. I don’t know why I’m acting the way I am, although after re-reading Andrew Murray’s chapter on “Self Life: The Hindrance to the Spiritual Life,” I know that self is certainly involved.

As a child, I got my own way a lot because I was strong-willed, spoiled, and the “baby” for eight years. Then I married a man who almost never tells me no and often doesn’t have an opinion. Consequently, I often get my way at home, too, although in groups, I’m pretty flexible about letting others have their way.

Because of the chapter on taking control of our minds in Stormie Omartian’s book, “The Power of a Praying Woman,” I also know not taking control of my mind plays a part in all this, especially in regard to the enemy attacking me through my mind.

But still and all, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to act this way, but I don’t seem to be able to change. So if there’s some unhealed root, some unrepented sin, or some ruling stronghold, you’ll have to show me what it is because I simply don’t know. I need a breakthrough and much wisdom.

For whatever reason I feel like you have me in a position where I have to be honest and transparent with people about very personal things—maybe so that some of them will also be willing to be honest with me or others about issues in their lives. I pray that you would do whatever you have to do to make me into the person you want me to be.

Once before I prayed this prayer and it’s time to do it again: Thank you for every hard thing I’m going through right now and please help me to learn everything you’re trying to teach me so I don’t have to go thought it again!

Teach me, Father, what it means to deny self, deny my own self, my own life, my own will. I have a great fear of going back into codependency where I just do whatever anyone else wants me to do. I think that’s what a lot of people (Christians) think denying self is all about, but I don’t believe that you’ve called us to be people pleasers. So what is denying self?

Andrew Murray says, “Self is the god that rules the world. There is not one exception.” God forgive us! He says, “We must cry out, ‘Deliver me from this monster O God,” and after the past few weeks, I have to agree.

“We all have a self that gets its poison from Satan, that gets its poison from hell…we allow the devil to become even stronger in us by feeding the self.”(Andrew Murray) Holy Spirit, reveal to me how I am feeding self.

“To deny self means you must have nothing to do with it.” (AM) How Lord? “You will never do what Christ says until you see that self has the satanic origins in a horrible rebellion against God.

“The human will is the great power with which a man can serve God. If it is not given up to God, then the devil has power to move it, and the self leads it to sin continually against God.

“If I perpetually take my will like an empty cup and say, ‘Fill my will with your will, then I live a blessed life.’ ”

Murray says that if I have fallen, it’s because I’ve trusted in myself: –my earnestness, integrity or something in myself, rather than in Christ. “You have not given up self to death in order to trust in Christ alone. God have mercy upon me and deliver me from self.”

Father, if in any way I’ve been placing my trust in myself, my walk with you, my maturity, help me to put my trust in you alone.  As I asked you if there was any act of surrender you wanted me to make, a prayer from The Power of a Praying Woman came to mind: Lord, I bow before you this day and declare that you are Lord over every area of my life. I surrender myself and my life to you and invite you to rule in every part of my mind, soul, body, and spirit. I love you with all my heart, soul, and mind. I commit to trusting you with my whole being. I declare you to be Lord over every area of my life today and every day.”

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Galatians 2:20).

Rule me in every area of my life, Lord, and lead me into all that you have for me. Amen.

Photo credits to my husband, Donn, but not taken during my prayer retreats to which I went alone.

Health Update

 I had fewer side effects after my Targeted Treatment on Tuesday, October 31. Not much itching skin or irritated eyes. I continue to have hot flashes that wake me at night, but usually only one per night, and I’ve gotten better at going back to sleep. My oncologist thought perhaps the low carb diet* I’ve been on was causing my blood sugar to drop too low in the night, thus causing the nighttime hot flashes. She wanted me to check my blood sugar at least once after a night hot flash. I got all the paraphernalia needed and checked it several nights, but my levels showed my blood sugar isn’t dropping too low in the night so that isn’t the cause of the hot flashes.

Next Tuesday, November 14, Dr. L wants me to start the new drug which is supposed to decrease my chances of having a recurrence of cancer related to estrogen, while possibly causing a plethora of other problems. Please pray that the side effects wouldn’t be too troublesome or that the Lord would guide us to some other way of accomplishing the same result. Thank you so much for your prayers!

* Several months ago at my request, because of my high non-fasting glucose numbers on my weekly HCC lab work, my PCP did a fasting glucose test, and then, because of her concern, an A1C test. According to the A1C, my glucose level was only one step away from pre-diabetic—thus the low-carb diet.