On Tuesday morning, I hit a wall at the Hillman Cancer Center, and for the first time since I’ve been going there, I cried! Let me back up…

I was happy to have the opportunity to talk to my oncologist on Tuesday because I’ve been having what I thought were side effects for a couple of weeks after my second Targeted Treatment. Dr. L listened to my list of complaints—itchy skin on my arms and legs, irritated eyes, hot flashes that wake me in the night, and worst of all, waking up at 4:00-5:00 o’clock in the morning and staying awake for long periods of time.

To my surprise, the doctor said since these things just started happening after the treatments, she didn’t think it was side effects. (I’m still puzzling over that thinking.) I said, “After I developed these symptoms, I looked online and they were mentioned as side effects.”

“But those things aren’t common side effects,” Dr. L responded.

I desperately wanted to tell her that even if no one else had those symptoms, it wouldn’t be unexpected for me to have them! I’ve puzzled many a doctor with my reactions to different drugs or treatments. For example, one day when my new glasses/frames made me dizzy until the eye doctor noticed the slant of the new frames was different from the slant on the old ones and adjusted them, he said, “I’ve been practicing for thirty-five years, and I’ve never had anyone have that problem!”

I said, “Well, write it down. Now you have.”

Another doctor gave me a supplement that was supposed to help me sleep, and I was awake for forty-eight hours. He said, “I’m going to write on your chart that you will react the opposite of what most people react!”

But Dr. L knew none of this, and I knew I didn’t have time to tell her in my allotted fifteen minutes. In the middle of our discussion about hot flashes, she suddenly realized she should have started me on another drug after chemo because my cancer had an estrogen component.

I said, “Oh, will that drug help the hot flashes?”

“No,” Dr. L responded, “it will make them worse and also disturb your sleep.”

She went on naming the other side effects of the new drug she wanted me to take—osteoporosis, high cholesterol, high blood pressure—all conditions I’ve been battling.

My surgeon had told me I’d be given a pill to deal with the estrogen component, but he hadn’t mentioned all the side effects. Also, he had said the estrogen therapy would come last, which I thought meant it would be started after I finished the Targeted Treatments in May or June. I wasn’t prepared to be told I should already be taking that drug and would be taking it for a lengthy period of time. .

Dr. L asked me a question that I don’t remember, but I knew I’d be unable to speak without crying. I finally managed to say, “I don’t deal well with things that mess with my sleep.”

 Dr. L back-pedaled a bit and said, “I wasn’t saying that the sleep issues you’re having couldn’t be a side effect of the Targeted Treatment. We can wait to start the new drug for a couple of weeks until you can see how the Targeted Treatment affects you this time. And I’ll only give you a one-week prescription for the new drug until we see if you can tolerate it.”

I agreed, and we went on to my oncologist nurse’s POD for blood work and my treatment. She was dressed in a perky, old-fashioned nurse’s uniform for Halloween and greeted me with a cheerful, “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m okay,” I answered. It was the best I could do.

Annie stopped and stared at me. “Well, that doesn’t sound very good.” It might have been the first time she’d seen me without a smile on my face. “What’s wrong?”

I tried to explain what had just happened, and her immediate response was, “Oh, I don’t think that’s a side effect of the Targeted Treatment (waking up in the night.). Don’t you think it’s just because your mind is racing and you can’t shut it down?”

“No!” I responded. “My mind isn’t racing when I wake up.”

I told Donn after we got home, “I just feel like I’ve gone through this so many times because I react differently to a lot of medicines than other people do.” Than I added, “It’s not easy being me!”

I went off to a room where I could be alone and cried out to the Lord. “I just can’t take a pill for five years that is going to mess up my sleep and give me hot flashes that keep me awake, besides all the other bad side effects!”

I grabbed our copy of Jesus Lives by Sarah Young and opened to the marker. I was desperate to hear from God. This is the section of that page that was highlighted in yellow,

Trust me to lead you step by step through each day. I provide sufficient light for only one day at a time. If you try to look into the future, you will find yourself peering into darkness. My face shines upon you only in the present! This is where you find my gracious love that never fails you. Live ever so near me—flourishing in my transforming light.

“Okay, Lord,” I whispered. “You’re right. When I tried to look into the future, I was peering into darkness. Help me to take it one day at a time which is how I’ve survived thus far. Help me to trust you.”

That evening as I read the scripture in the Daily Bread that Donn and I read together every evening, I recognized the same Psalm I’d read that morning in my private devotions, Psalm 61. I especially love the first few verses,

Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

Thank you, Father, that even before my heart was overwhelmed, you gave me the words I would need, and then later, gave them to me again. Help me not to try to look into the future, which only results in peering into the darkness, but to keep my eyes fixed on you. Amen.

HEALTH UPDATE

My appointment with the retina specialist went well last Thursday. I do have macular degeneration but it is definitely still dry (good news!). He thinks my cataracts are causing the blurriness when I try to read very small print. I knew I had cataracts but my eye doctor said they helped protect my eyes from light and could keep the macular degeneration from getting worse. However, the retina specialist said a huge study was done recently that proved that isn’t true. He said I should tell my eye doctor that he had cleared me for cataract surgery. I have an appointment for a consult on November 14^th with a specialist. Please pray that I’ll ask the right questions and make good decisions, and also that God will give me wisdom about the new medicine Dr. L wants me to take.! Thank you so much for your prayers.