My mother told me years ago that I spent the first afternoon of my life trying to die. She said I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck three times, and it was a miracle that I lived. I was intrigued by the fact that she didn’t say I was fighting to live but that I was trying to die.

Years later I realized this had become a pattern. When things became difficult, my tendency was to give up, sometimes wishing I didn’t have to go on living. I battled depression, insecurity, fear and guilt, and at one of my lowest points, I begged God to let me die.

I remember the dark night of the soul when I finally said, “God if you won’t let me die, would you teach me how to live?” I can’t say that immediately my life became all sunshine and roses, but it was a turning point. Little by little, the Holy Spirit taught me the truths I needed to be set free. He guided me to Christian books, using them to train me in healthier living. He blessed me with Christian counselors who helped me recover. And He revealed and freed me from hidden sins, conforming me more and more to the image of Christ.

Many times I’ve told struggling clients and friends, “I can honestly say I’m glad I went through the things I did because otherwise, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn’t know how to help you.”

God spared my life again the day of our children’s birth. Someone working in my hospital room the next day said, “We almost lost you yesterday.” My nurse gave her a dirty look, apparently not wanting me to know, but it was unnecessary. I already knew. Every mother’s day, I give God thanks for the privilege of being a mother, the privilege of helping my husband raise our twins, and  invest in the lives of many other children through foster care as well as in the lives of our grandchildren.

As I write this, I am celebrating my 68^th birthday. How thankful I am that in God’s providence, twice He gave me the gift of life when I easily could have died. I am so aware that each day I live is a gift from God. During these sixty-eight years, I’ve not only had the privilege of becoming a daughter of the King, but I’ve had the privilege of loving Him, serving Him, and allowing His light to shine through me. When I think of all He’s done for me, a song by Chris Tomlin best expresses my feelings:

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love?
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing.

If you are going through a dark night of the soul, perhaps you, too, could ask Jesus to teach you how to live. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He knows exactly what you need to make your life worth living.

Father, how thankful I am for the gift of life, for experiencing your love and your grace. I pray your intervention for those going through deep waters, that they too could experience the gift of a life lived for you. Amen.

Featured Photo: My dad and me. Apologies for the quality of the photo.