Donn and I would be the first to admit that we certainly haven’t done everything right in our fifty-four and a half years of marriage! But recently as I was lying in bed, I found myself pondering things we’d done right, things that helped us stay close and helped our relationship to grow.
In the interest of helping someone else who might benefit from knowing these things, I decided to do a blog on what we’ve done right! I am so grateful to God for enabling us to form some habits that have helped, rather than hindered, our marriage.
Before we had an empty nest, we tried to have someone stay with our children so we could go away together overnight at least once or twice a year. Donn used to say, “Sometimes we couldn’t afford to do it, but we decided we couldn’t afford not to.” When our whole world revolves around our children, we may look at each other when they’re gone and wonder, “Who are you?!”
In addition, from the very early days of our marriage, we’ve always tried to spend our evenings together as much as possible. When Donn taught a class two evenings a week and I was counseling, I planned my counseling schedule to have appointments on the same two evenings that he was teaching.
Through the years, we cultivated activities that fostered togetherness. When we discovered we both enjoyed antiques, we began going to antique shops and malls and collecting toothpick holders together. Also, we took walks together every evening after supper, weather permitting. People who lived in Sandy Lake can vouch for that, and we hadn’t been in Greenville long when a couple we didn’t know told us they loved it that we always walked together!
Both of us developed an interest in doing jigsaw puzzles so we could work on them together in the snowy winter months. We both love contemporary Christian music, so we often listen to that on our IPod while we work on our puzzles. We also tape shows (movies and Christian programming) we both like so we can watch them together in the evenings.
In Japan where we couldn’t understand the television shows, we developed a habit of reading aloud together in the evenings, which we have chosen to continue. Right now we’re reading a chapter each night from a book from The Voice of the Martyrs and at least one chapter from a four-book work of Christian fiction. In the summer after our walk, we often sit on our porch swing to read.
When we returned from Japan in 2011, we watched the Little League World Series at my sister’s house because she knew a team from Japan was participating. In the process, I re-discovered the love for baseball that I’d had as a child, and together we have become avid Pittsburgh Pirate baseball fans. (Donn was always a fan but without my participation.) We usually tape the games to watch when we can do it together.
In addition to all these evening activities that we do together, we have always gone to bed at the same time every night. We used to go to bed at 11:00, but since I need substantial downtime to fall asleep easily, we go back to our room at 9:00 now. We get ready for bed and then read or do crossword or Sudoku puzzles until 11:00 p.m. Then we have our evening devotions together, reading Our Daily Bread and praying for concerns in Japan and in the U.S.
Awhile ago, we began putting names of people and prayer requests in a bowl to draw from every night to include in our prayers. This lessens the chances that we will forget to pray even though we’ve promised we would. Now I tell folks who give me prayer requests, “I’ll put you in our bowl!”
Besides going to bed at the same time, I always set my “Dream Machine” at least fifteen minutes to a half an hour before we get up to have our individual quiet times, so that we have time to snuggle in the morning. We’ve also discovered John Sandford was right when he said, “Pajamas are only good for one thing—hanging them on the bedpost in case of a fire in the night,” at least for empty-nesters.
Another thing the people in Sandy Lake would vouch for is that we never stopped holding hands. When anyone comments on it, Donn always tells them, “We just never stopped.” He also never stopped opening my door when we go somewhere in the car.
Once when we were riding with my nephew, Steve, he said, as he opened my door, “Uncle Donn showed me how to take care of you.” It’s so true that we are role models whether we know it or not.
Although we haven’t done everything right, it’s comforting to evaluate the things that have helped hold us together throughout the years. However, I never miss an opportunity to tell people who’ve asked how long we’ve been married, “Jesus is the glue that holds us together!”
Heavenly Father, thank you for all the things we can do as couples to draw closer together, but help us also to remember that your Word tells us, “It is the power of God that holds all things together”
(Colossians 1:17).