I’ve been rereading a wonderful book by Cynthia Heald called, Life Promises for Women which contains a section on “Selflessness.”  For the most part, I agree with what Cynthia shares on this subject, but as I read and reread her definition of selflessness, red flags waved. She says, “If I had to write a definition of selflessness, I think it would be this: willingly sacrificing oneself for the needs of others in order to truly live.”

Her definition sounds so good and quite spiritual, but if taken without disclaimers, can lead to our downfall. I believe this is especially true for Christian women, me included. For many years, I was oh so willing to sacrifice myself for the needs of others, and my mercy and compassion gifts attracted needy people like flies. “No” wasn’t in my vocabulary and fear of hurting people’s feelings often ruled my decisions. Living life this way took me repeatedly to the edge of burn out. As I became more and more overwhelmed by all the needs, I’d come to the point where I didn’t want to even go to church because there might be someone there who ”needed” me.

When I’d finally had enough, I cried out to God to show me what I was doing wrong. The answer didn’t come easily but when I was ready to listen, God’s still small voice brought Hebrews 4:10 to mind―for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from His. God had actually brought this verse to my attention a year earlier, but I hadn’t processed it well. As I walked through one of the toughest seasons of my life, I learned that even sacrificing myself for others needed to be led by the Holy Spirit.

The day God spoke Hebrews 4:10 to me for the second time, the Holy Spirit began to teach me in a variety of ways how to enter into the rest of God and rest from my own works. I found a book/workbook called How to Escape the Messiah Trap by Carmen Berry and made an appointment with myself every week to process the information. I had to evaluate every relationship to determine whether it was healthy, and begin to focus more on spending time with people with whom I had healthy relationships. Carmen says, “In a balanced, healthy friendship, both parties take turns talking and listening, leaning and supporting, giving and taking.” At that time, I had very few of those relationships. It was hard for me to focus on relationships with people who weren’t needy. It felt selfish.

During my struggle, I felt so alone because I didn’t know anyone else fighting this battle. In His mercy, God brought me a helper named Marie. As I listened to Marie bring a message in the Meadville Park one day, I knew I needed what she had. She told us she began every day affirming, “I choose today by an act of my will to bring my entire spirit, soul, and body under the reign of your Spirit.” She never used the words entering the rest of God or resting from her own work but I knew that’s what she was doing.

After listening to her  message that I told her had been just for me, Marie said, “I believe God is saying you are in a place of transition, at a bridge that connects continents. Would you allow me to help prepare you to walk across that bridge?” (She had no idea we were preparing to go to Japan.) I was definitely willing.

Later when we talked, Marie said, “I’m hearing a lot of expectations. You can’t be led by the Holy Spirit if you’re going to be ruled by expectations.” God showed me that my own self-expectations, the expectations of others, and even what I thought others expected of me had kept me from entering His rest. It had resulted in me doing many things that weren’t His plan for me, becoming more involved in situations than was wise, and living without margins. I knew I needed to change. As I left that session, I “heard” in my spirit the chorus of a worship song, “I will lay down my idols, thrones I have made, all that has taken my heart. Lord, I will bow to you, to no other God but you alone.” I wept as I realized all the idols I had served by allowing myself to be ruled by expectations rather than led by the Holy Spirit.

I wish I could say that since then I have always and only been led by the Holy Spirit in every situation, but pleasing people is still my default setting, especially when I find myself in new situations, surrounded by new people.  But I’m learning that sometimes true selflessness is being willing to let others think ill of me when I say no to  doing things God isn’t asking me to do. True selflessness, I’ve realized, can only be defined by the Holy Spirit.

Father, help us not to assume that being selfless means living lives without boundaries or margins but to understand that true selflessness always includes allowing the Holy Spirit to choose when to sacrifice ourselves for the needs of others. Amen

(Thanks to my husband, Donn, for his help with my featured images!)